Lost and Found In You
by AniRay
Summary: Earth. That was the dream. Turns out the dream sucks. Or Clarke and Bellamy figure out life on the ground and life together. Starts in season one. Will end in season five. I think...
1. Chapter 1

_Clarke_

Earth. That was the dream, right? Clear blue skies, soft green grass swaying to the pull of a gentle breeze, the ocean deep and nearly as fathomless as the dark universe they had fallen from. Yeah, earth was the dream. Until they got there. Then it was the nightmare they never knew they were afraid of. It held the monsters that had always stayed safe under the bed. Uninhabitable it was not. Spears through chests, the greeting no one expected. Painted faces with hands dripping blood, their blood, the blood of the hundred. Fog, mysterious in its own right, now had the power to burn, peel, and kill.

And in the midst of the newfound terror of an unforgiving home was Bellamy Blake. "What's wrong with a little chaos," he said, and the crowd breathed it in. "Whatever the hell we want," he cried, and they were no longer hungry. "We're stronger than they think," he called, and the fire in his voice kept the masses warm. A perfect anarchy. A perfect storm. Tearing at the seams of what could have been a community.

Clarke Griffin had only hated one person in her life before, but Bellamy Blake quickly and unhesitatingly became the second. She hated that his charisma outweighed her logic. She hated that his charm threatened her reason. She hated that when he caught her arm and called her Brave, she wanted to believe it. She hated that when he added Princess, disappointment caused her pride to falter. They were opposites in nearly every thought they had. Enemies wrapped in the guise of potential allies. And more than anything else about him, she hated that she wanted it to be different.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

Earth. Fucking bane of his existence. Grounders, acid fog, panthers that jump at you from nowhere. Oh yeah, it was a fucking dream. Never had he thought he could miss the Ark. And to be honest he didn't, not really. But he sure as hell wasn't thrilled about the shit down here either. A spoiled, know-it-all, princess. A dead girl. The blood of a Chancellor. Shit, he wished he could get the feel of the recoil out of his head.

Everything Bellamy Blake had ever done for as long as he can remember was to keep his sister safe. And now because of that, he's convinced 90-something kids to kill their own families. Of course he didn't say it like that. No, he made it a celebration of freedom, a declaration of strength. He made it sound _good_. And if he didn't have Clarke- _fucking_ -Griffin's voice in his head at night whispering about imminent death, he wouldn't even feel guilty about it. Probably.

Bellamy Blake has hated plenty of people in his life before. But, damn it all if Clarke Griffin isn't the most infuriating out of the lot. He hated that she held almost as much sway as he did. He hated that her rationale endangered his control. He hated that when she walked up to him and said "I'm here for you," his heart rate picked up. He hated that when she walked away after he wanted to pull her back. They were the same in so many ways if she could get her head out of her ass long enough to see it. Potential allies masked as unrepentant enemies. And more than anything else about her, he hated that he wished it were different.


	2. Chapter 2

_Clarke_

It was odd for Clarke, watching Raven and Finn together. In fact it was downright painful. He had made her feel like she was special. He had made her think that they could be something, _have_ something, good on this planet. After everything with Wells (God, Wells, why you? Why now?), after everything with Murphy and Charlotte, Clarke had truly believed that finally fate had decided to cut her a break. But then a pod fell out of the sky and brown-haired, long-legged, gorgeous nearing perfection Raven Reyes had climbed out and fallen into Finn's arms. And what could Clarke do, but walk away. What could she do but return him to the one he truly belonged with.

And then life had gotten in the way. The radio, Bellamy's secret, and now, standing here watching the flares. Her mind kept going back to the river. Bellamy's face when she accused him of apathy in the face of mass murder. His voice strong and arrogant as ever, but the words. It was almost an apology, almost a plea for understanding, almost… And now he's standing next to her and she can see it on his face how much fear he hides behind all the bravado. How much guilt he feels trapped beneath a mask of arrogance. She has no clue what made her ask him about shooting stars, but his answer left a twinge of…something…beneath her ribs, entirely too close to her heart.

But she hated him. She hated him and he hated her. That was it. That was all.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

Realizing that Octavia was not in camp had been the most terrified he had been since the night she was taken. Finding his baby sister chained to a wall in some grounder hideout had been the most pissed he'd been since the council decided to float his mother. And having his sister so disgusted with him that his touch repulsed her had left him broken in a way he hadn't been since he landed on this godforsaken planet.

And all because of Spacewalker and that damn grounder. Finding O, Finn getting stabbed, the poisoned blade. The torture. And there for every swing, for every cut, was Clarke. He knew she cared about Finn, knew that something had been brewing between them before Raven showed up, but he never thought he'd see the day that Clarke Griffin would step down from her high horse and beg for anything. But it had been more than that. It had torn her apart to watch, almost as much as it had ruined Bellamy to do it. But she had stayed. She didn't leave it all to him, put it all on him. As much as she didn't want to acknowledge it, they had been in it together. And when he put his hand on her shoulder, and felt the tension leave her, he knew. He knew that she needed his ruthlessness as much as he needed her mercy.

But he hated her. He hated her and she hated him. That was it. That was all.


	3. Chapter 3

_Clarke_

Things had changed between them. After the bunker. After Dax. To be honest things had changed after the grounder. The way he had looked at her, like he really saw her, saw the monster she had allowed them both to be. And he didn't judge, he didn't deride. He simply accepted, he understood. His hand on hers felt like mercy, grace. His words, "who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things," absolution, a balm for her tormented mind and soul.

But now, today, it's more. Finding him fighting Dax, fighting himself, seeing and hearing the pain that his sins caused him…Clarke didn't know how she had missed it before. Sitting under that tree, haunted by memories, the smell of blood and death so strong in their senses, she knew she could never look at him the same way again. Because if he was a monster for loving his sister, she was a monster for loving Finn. If he was wrong because he had been afraid, she was wrong because she was too. And maybe it was the nuts, maybe it was the vulnerability in his eyes, but somehow when she looked at him now instead of enemy she saw…more. Not friend, not ally, but more, and it was good.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

Things had changed somehow after the bunker. He almost hated it. That she had seen him so exposed, so raw. But he couldn't hold it all together anymore. Not after the hallucinations. Not after Dax. She had tried the entire day to reassure him, to make the situation better than it ever could be. But it hadn't mattered. Not until they were under that tree. Not until he had tears in his eyes as his mother's voice sang to him through the trees. Not until the words, "I'll give that to you." Then, for a moment, he understood what people meant when they said they felt redeemed. It didn't last, he didn't expect it to. But it had been enough. For a moment _he_ had been enough. Enough for her, enough for their people, enough to deserve the air he was currently breathing.

Now here she was in his arms, ragged breaths fanning across his chest, tears soaking into his shirt. The image of the exodus ship bursting into flames imprinted on his eyelids. Her mother was gone and he knew how that felt. After the day they had had. The party, the smiles, he had thought it would last for at least one day. But then Spacewalker, and the bridge, running from grounders, fighting amongst themselves. But through it they had stayed united. Him and Clarke, side by side. Fate seemed to enjoy fucking with them. But he'd be damned if he let her go through this alone. And maybe it was because he knew how she felt, maybe it has how her hand clung to his, but somehow as he held her now instead of an enemy he saw…more. Not friend, not ally, but more, and it was good.


	4. Chapter 4

_Clarke_

She was scared. She was always scared on earth, but this was different. This wasn't a grounder with a spear; this wasn't a hole in the ground full of sharp spikes. This was Bellamy, lying on a cot in the drop ship with blood coming out of his eyes. This was Bellamy wracked with coughs each spilling more blood onto the floor. This was looking around and thinking for the first time, ' _How the hell do I do this without him?'_ Because if he died, what would she do about Murphy. If he died, who would train the hundred on how to defend themselves? If he died where would she go when she didn't know what to do?

She ignored the part of her that was simply scared of him not smiling at her again. Because it didn't matter how he took care of her the night before. It didn't matter how when she said she needed to see the crash, while everyone else told her it was too soon, he put his hand on her shoulder and said, "I'll get a team ready." It didn't matter how shy his smile was or how soft his voice got when he said, "I'll see what I can do." None of that mattered. The only thing that mattered, the only things she could let matter, was keeping everyone alive. Because she couldn't let him matter. She just couldn't.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

He was pissed. God, he was pissed. He had always been a little pissed at the world, both on the ground and in space. But shit this was different. Because the thing that pissed him off was how fucking scared he was. It wasn't like with Octavia, that was the inherent fear of a brother for his sister, sometimes a father for his child. No this was different. This was Clarke. Missing for hours when no one was supposed to be out after dark. This was Clarke unarmed in grounder territory with no one but Spacewalker as protection. This was looking around camp and thinking for the first time, _'What the hell am I gonna do if she doesn't come back?'_ because if she's dead, if those monsters killed her, who the hell is gonna patch up Sondra's shoulder. If she's dead, how is he gonna navigate the weird camp intrigues. If she's dead…Why the hell did he think he could do this on his own?

He ignored the part of him that just wanted to hear her laugh again. Because it didn't fucking matter how she had looked after him yesterday. It didn't matter how she had looked at him when she said, "I do believe in second chances, though." It didn't fucking matter she had searched him out before Spacewalker found her for the hunt that morning. None of it mattered. The only thing that matter, the only thing he could let matter, was making sure that this camp was ready when the grounders showed up. Because he couldn't let her matter. He just couldn't.


	5. Chapter 5

_Clarke_

Her hands shook. They wouldn't stop shaking. _She_ couldn't stop shaking. She had killed someone. She had _killed_ someone and walked away. Is this what Bellamy felt before he knew Jaha was alive? Because it was terrible. God, it was awful… Bellamy. She had to get to him. She had to get back to _camp._ The grounders… the grounders were coming…they were gonna attack. She had to warn him. But she couldn't stand up. Why couldn't she stand up? God, she just had to stop shaking so she could tell Bellamy about the grounders. She just needed t-

"Clarke!"

 _Finn_. He was still talking to her. He was still there. She just had to focus. He was holding her hand. He was holding her hand that had blood on it. He was holding her hand that had blood on it because she _killed that grounder_. She killed him. She killed him and _walked away_. Did Bellamy feel like this? Bellamy. She had to tell him about the grounders. They were coming. They were coming to attack the camp. The grounders were coming to attack the camp and she had to tell Bellamy. ' _Please I have to tell Bellamy. I have to get to Bellamy. I need Bellamy. Just Bellamy. Just Bellamy. Bellamy…Bellamy…Bellamy…'_

"Clarke, I'm gonna take you to Bellamy, just calm down. We're almost there. Just breathe, ok?"

She felt herself nod, but… her mind….it just….she couldn't… _'Bellamy…Bellamy…Bellamy…'_

* * *

 _Bellamy_

He could see her hands shaking from across the room. She hadn't said anything since she told him about the grounders. At least not anything about what happened to her. Finn had filled him in on the stuff he knew, but they could both tell something had happened that Clarke couldn't talk about yet. It killed him. They may not be the best of friends, but he didn't want her in pain like this, damn it. Not alone. Not lost in her own head. But she could barely make eye contact half the time and the other half she wouldn't stop staring at him. So as much as it killed him he kept his mouth shut. He could be patient. He could wait until everyone was safe and they had a minute to breathe without worrying if the grounders were gonna impale them all with spears. At least that was the plan. Now everything is going to shit. He had to leave his baby sister with that grounder, Lincoln. He barely made it back to camp in time to see the wall fall. And as much as he wants (God, the things he wants…) to run straight to Clarke like she's screaming for him to, he can't leave his people out there to fight alone. So he turns to face the nearest grounder. And of _fucking_ course the asshole's huge. And of _fucking_ course the gun he grabbed is out of bullets. Because fate fucking _hates_ him. Because, damn it, he just wanted to make sure she was ok….


	6. Chapter 6

_Clarke_

She remembers everything. She remembers getting to camp, warning Bellamy, fighting the grounders. She remembers closing the drop ship door… She remember gas canisters. She remembers men in hazmat suits. She remembers everything…Everything except how she got here. And that's the information she needs most. Because Monty was across the hall from her this morning, and now he's gone. Because She closed the door on Finn and Sarah and Ian and Drake and... She closed the door on Bellamy. And she needs to know if he, _if they,_ made it. She needs to know where these people took Monty. She needs to know where the rest of her people are. She needs to get out of here. And if breaking the window and taking that girl down the hall hostage is the way to find answers then so be it.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

He can't remember anything. Absolutely nothing. He doesn't know where he is or how he got here. He doesn't know whose corpse is in this tunnel with him. All he knows is that this isn't the Ark and he doesn't know where his mom or sister are. But he needs to find them. Because if he's here then Mom and O are too. And if there are bodies on the ground then he needs to make sure none of them are his family. Crawling his way out of that tunnel hurts like a bitch, but he can't think about that. He has to find Mom. He has to find O. His sister, his responsibility. The burning pain in his leg makes him lose his balance once he's out of the tunnel. The thick smoke permeating the air makes it nearly impossible to see or breathe. And God, the smell. He's smelled burnt flesh before, but never on this level. And the bodies. So many bodies. Who were they? Why were they here? Why was _he_ here? _'Please don't be them. Please just don't be them.'_


	7. Chapter 7

_Clarke_

She had known, almost from the beginning she had known, that Mount Weather was too good to be true. The food. The clothes. The cleanliness of it all. Nothing on earth had been this easy, and Clarke didn't think anything on earth ever would be. And she had been right. The chambers that she had seen. The cages full of grounders. The room with that man and woman hanging upside down, blood flowing into tubes instead of veins. It had been too neat. Too controlled. Now she knew why. To hide the monster in the walls. But her friends, her people, were too blinded by the illusion of safety, the idea of a home, that they couldn't see it. When had Clarke become the biggest threat to her people? But it didn't matter now. Because they had all seen the Ark come down. And she knew that she would need more than her logic to get the hundred, the forty-seven, to follow her out of this place. She needed Bellamy, his fire, his conviction, the passion that inspired not just their people but her as well. And if making a deal with Anya would get her to him, fine. _'It's not easy being in charge, is it?'_ And if she heard his voice as she thought the words…then so be it.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

He doesn't know why he has a guard jacket. He hates the guard, ever since the first guardsman came to their apartment and his mom had stayed out all night. So he takes it off and drops it on the ground. It lands on top of a half burned corpse, but he can't make himself move it. Somehow it feels more disrespectful to move it then tossing it carelessly onto the corpse in the first place. So he keeps walking. Obviously they were sent to Earth. How many he doesn't know. And since he can't remember anything about the trip or landing he can only assume it was the whole Ark.

But as he gets further away from what looks like the initial blast radius he sees other corpses, less burned. With face tattoos and clothing made from animal skins. Things that didn't exist and weren't permitted on the Ark. ' _There were survivors from the bombs.'_ The thought of it was so incredible that his brain didn't want to accept it. But the proof was right there, lying at his feet. This meant that not only did he need to find his family, he needed to do it carefully. So he didn't call out for his sister anymore. Instead he found his way to an empty bunker. Having a home base would make things easier for when he found his family. The rest he could figure out later. But, God, it would help if he could just remember.


	8. Chapter 8

_Clarke_

It was her mother. Her mother who she thought was dead. Her mother who was the reason her father was dead. It was too much. _'But that doesn't matter right now.'_ The only things that matter were her friends in Mount Weather. They were her priority. But it still felt amazing to know that her mother hadn't died thinking Clarke hated her. They had stepped into the Ark, making their way towards the med ward when she saw him.

"Finn!"

She didn't feel herself take off but it didn't matter because she was in his arms and he was alive and he was here with her. And if he was here then that meant…

"Where's Bellamy?"

And just by the tensing of his arms around her, by the hitch in his breath, she knew.

"Clarke, he didn't make it. We got out together, but then we got separated and I lost him."

By this point Clarke had extracted herself from his hold. Had put at least two feet of distance between them. Because he was telling her Bellamy was dead, but all she could hear was her own mind telling her that Finn had left him behind.

"You let him die."

The silence that rushes in to fill the void her words left is suffocating. She knows it's not fair. She knows that Finn couldn't control what had happened. But she needed Bellamy and he wasn't there because Finn _left him_. She saw him trying to find the right words. _Bellamy would have known_. She flinches away when she sees her mother moving to hug her. _Bellamy wouldn't have tried._ She hears the guards in the corridor shifting from the awkwardness. _Bellamy would have kept them away._ But she didn't care because Bellamy was dead. And nothing else mattered. Not one. Damn. Thing.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

He marked the days by scratching a line in the doorpost each morning. So far it had been a week, No sign of Mom. No sign of O. And no memory. As a whole Bellamy can honestly say his life is pretty shitty right now. The bunker is fine. He used the knife he has to hunt a bit. And the place already had solar powered flashlights and semi decent blankets. There are two beds and a sofa, which he has slept on since he found the place. No point getting used to the bed when he'll be giving it up for his mom and O later. He's a ten minute walk from a small creek. So water hasn't been an issue. The hunting thing made him curious though. How long exactly had he been on the ground, because it was almost reflex, damn close to muscle memory how he took down that deer. How he cleaned and gutted it. His mind didn't know what he was doing but his hands did.

But that wasn't the only thing that made him curious. It wasn't necessarily a memory, he didn't know what it was, but he kept having the same dream. It was mostly shadows, nothing solid, but the essence of the dream was the sky. At least he thought it was the sky. Swirls of blue, a shade that's just slightly darker than the sky. Ripples of gold, deeper than sunlight, richer. But what it makes him _feel_ , that's not just a pretty view of the sky. It's almost a yearning. A need to find this thing, whatever it is, that almost equals the need to find his family. But when he wakes up, while the image is gone, that need isn't. And if he could just get his mind to stop playing games with him, maybe he could figure out what it meant.


	9. Chapter 9

_Clarke_

It had been a week since she got to Camp Jaha. A week since she found out about Bellamy. Six days since she told the council, such as it was, about the happenings within the mountain. Two days since Octavia walked into camp, Lincoln at her side, eyes sweeping over every face to find her brother. Two days since Clarke and Raven sat down and told her that he was gone. Two days since anyone but Lincoln had seen her. But Clarke could hear her. Her cries muffled both by Lincoln's chest and the door to her room. She heard her because every night, she sat outside her door. She listened to her cry, and Clarke cried with her. Because it hurt, God it hurt, but it hurt less knowing she wasn't alone. That someone else missed him, mourned him, like she did.

Finn had stood at the end of the hall the first night, as if his presence could fix this. But once the tears started it was like he knew that he wasn't the one she needed. She hasn't seen him since. Her mother had been trying to get her to engage, help in the med bay, anything. But if Abby has learned anything in the week since Clarke had showed up, it's that something vital was broken when Clarke lost Bellamy, and no amount of activity is going to change that. So now she leaves her to her own devices, only making sure she eats and sleeps enough. Not that Clarke sleeps. Not really. Because every time she closes her eyes she sees his. Vacant, _lifeless,_ and it's just so wrong that she can't keep her eyes closed. So she sits and she watches the camp and she listens to Octavia cry. Because she lost him too. She loved him too.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

He made his way back to where the fire had been. The ship in the middle was deserted, but he knew someone had been there. The corpses had been cleared away and buried along the remnants of what looked like a wall. He saw the guard jacket he had been wearing laid across one of the mounds, a stick as a marker. He looked closer and saw that his name was written on the marker. And suddenly his legs couldn't support his weight. They thought he was dead. His sister, his mom. They thought he was dead and he had no clue which direction to go to find them, to tell them otherwise. It had been a month by his count. And he had traveled five days out from the bunker in each direction, hoping to find someone. Anyone who he might know or who might know where his family is.

So far, nothing. Not even the people who had survived the original bombs. Not one soul for a month. His mind screamed at him to remember. But nothing had changed on that front either. His heart cried out for his sister, for his mother. But his mind was starting to doubt they were alive to be found. But someone had thought that corpse was him. Someone had made a marker for him. Someone had _cared_. And they were the only two people in the world who would care about him. And still at the back of his mind and at the forefront of his dreams was gold and blue, blue and gold. And yearning.


	10. Chapter 10

_Clarke_

A month. One full month. Thirty-one days. Shouldn't she miss him less now. She hadn't even known him for more than a month. So many other things had changed in the past month. He shouldn't matter like this after everything else. Everything else. So much else. Making a truce with Lexa, getting a message to Miller about the acid fog and the grounders inside the mountain, having Lexa betray her at the doors of the mountain. Pulling that damn lever. So much had changed and yet she still felt nails driving into her chest at the mention of his name. Which is why she had turned away from Camp Jaha and walked into the forest. She had had a month to move on, but the forty-three had only just found out. And their grief was too new, too heavy, too close.

So while her mother got settled into med bay, and Octavia checked on her brother's people, _her_ people, Clarke slipped between the tree line. But that had been a week ago Now she was exhausted. Now she was haunted not just by his lifeless eyes, but by Maya's blistered face, by Tommy Lovejoy's screams, by Jasper's disgust. Delirious from lack of sleep, she had almost missed the bunker. And before she could think better of it she had already collapsed onto one of the beds and fallen asleep. Her last thought, _'Maybe my ghosts won't find me here.'_

* * *

 _Bellamy_

He had gone hunting. It wasn't that he needed to, but boredom was a strong motivator. He felt like he was going a little crazy. In the wilderness, with no other humans to interact with. The loneliness was hard too. Not knowing where his family was or how to find them. Not knowing how he got here or for what purpose. He almost wished he would stumble upon someone, just as a change from the norm. But that was dangerous. Who knew what these people from the ground were like? What they could be capable of? But in the end the day was a lot more interesting than he expected.

Because as soon as he opened the bunker door, he was greeted by a gun to his head. Then he was being pushed right back out of the bunker by the force of the hug he found himself in. He didn't get a good look at the girl, but… the essence of her was gold and blue. And then he caught on to what she was saying as she sobbed into his chest.

"I thought I lost you. I thought you were dead. I thought I lost you…"

He tried to pull back, to look at her face, because her voice made him feel things. But she just held on tighter. He put his arms around her and held her like he would if it were Octavia. Rocking her gently back and forth, shushing her as he stroked her hair.

"It's ok, you're ok, I'm here. I'm right here. Don't cry I'm here."

It was the best he could do. And it felt right. To hold her like this felt like what he was supposed to do. It was almost as good as a memory.


	11. Chapter 11

_Clarke_

She had woken up a few minutes before the bunker door opened. She had been terrified, unsure if one of the guards from the Ark had found her or if it was a grounder. But there was no way she could have been prepared for the sight before her.

" _Bellamy._ "

It was barely a whisper. More an escaping of breath. But in just that moment, her entire world had righted itself. Words were more than she could really handle. Then she was wrapped in his arms, listening to him tell her that everything was ok. And it felt so _true_. For the first time in a month and a half it felt like everything really was gonna be ok.

But then she had pulled back to look at him and she noticed it. A vacancy, a blankness, in his eyes that didn't fit what she knew. And exactly why hadn't he come back to the drop ship? Why hadn't he gone back to camp? Why wasn't he _saying_ anything?

"Bellamy? Where have you been? Why didn't you come back to camp? Finn told me you were dead"

But she watched his eyes and with each question, his expression became more and more confused. And even as her heart pushed the idea away, her mind was listing off types of trauma that could cause amnesia. And as her heart told her he had to know her, her mind said that he would have said her name by now if he did. And fate -miserable, unfair, hateful- fate chose that moment for him to say,

"I don't remember."

* * *

 _Bellamy_

He wished he didn't have to tell her. He wished that she could stay wrapped around him, safe and happy. He wished it didn't hurt him so much to see her face break when she realized he didn't know who she was. But his mom had a saying about wishes... It was almost instantaneous how quickly her walls went up. She went from being practically in his lap to three feet away. And he hated it. But even though his heart seemed to recognize her, his mind didn't. She struggled to find the right words before she finally settled on,

"What do you remember from before?"

Her voice had lost the softness, the light and warmth, to be replaced by a cool clinical tone. He hated it so damn much. But he accepted the change, told her his story, watched her face get paler and paler. He almost wished she hadn't found him. Almost.

"So, now you know what happened to me… But I'm missing everything. Wanna fill me in?"

And immediately she got impossibly more withdrawn. Face wiped completely clear of emotion, body tense, blank. And the longer she stayed quiet the more terrified he became. Because she knew something. Something about his mom, his sister. She knew more about him right now than he did. And she didn't want to tell him.

"Look, I know this is a shock for you, but I need to know. Where's my mom? My sister? What happened before I lost my memory? Please."

He took a deep breath and watched her, saw her trying to decide. ' _Just tell me they're alright…_

* * *

 _Clarke_

It hurt. God it hurt so badly. Telling him about his mom, explaining about Octavia. Filling him in about everything that happened at the drop ship. And she didn't even go into detail. It was broad strokes. But the broad strokes could break you. The details made you bleed. She wanted to hold him when she told him about his mother being floated. She cried with him, she broke for him, but she couldn't make herself get closer. Telling him about the drop ship was both easier and more difficult. Because they shared it. And how can she explain feelings she barely understands herself? How can she explain unwavering loyalty when it's still so new to both of them? How can she explain that she missed him when neither of them had known she loved him?

"…and I closed the door. I couldn't wait anymore. Finn told me that you two made it to the tunnels then got separated."

She hated how her voice broke at the end but she kept going.

"Then later when it was safe he went back and found your jacket. He said… he thought that you must have been forced to go back right before the blast. That the fire got you after the initial explosion. The rest you know, I guess…"

It felt so inadequate. A story incomplete. Their story, unfinished. ' _But we can finish it. We can figure something out. Together.'_


	12. Chapter 12

It was awkward for them at first. He didn't remember her and she remembered everything. He told her she could stay with him. She took the bed by the wall, he kept the sofa. She added fruit and edible plants to the rabbits and deer he hunted. He wanted to go find his sister, but he wasn't ready to face her. Not after getting her arrested and their mom floated. She wanted to forget everything that had happened while he was missing, but the nightmares woke her each night, throat raw from screaming. She hated the weakness. He hated her pain. So when she could breathe again he would tell stories; Prometheus stealing fire from the gods, Hades stealing Persephone away to the Underworld, Achilles and the Trojan's. And his voice kept her present, kept her sane, kept the blood on her hands from drowning her. And when he got quiet, thoughts of his mom floating frozen in space because of him, she would sing. Her voice brought him back, helped him breathe, kept the guilt from smothering him.

And their world was nearly perfect for two weeks. Just them. No grounders, no mishaps, both of them still alive. Until someone new found them. Well, new to Bellamy. Clarke had been at the creek getting water. He didn't like her going alone, but he knew she needed the time to herself. He had decided to stay above ground instead of holing up in the bunker to wait for her. A book he had found was resting in his lap as he watched the sun dip behind the mountain. That's when he heard it. Footsteps. He stayed sitting, pretending not to hear. But he knew it wasn't Clarke. Wrong direction, and after two weeks he knew her gait, her pace, just…her. Then he did hear Clarke. And pretending was no longer an option. He shot up like lightning and swirled around to get the intruder in his line of vision. And there fifty feet away was a boy, maybe seventeen or eighteen, at least Clarke's age but not older than him. Ark issue clothes. Gun drawn, aimed right at Bellamy's head.

"Where's Clarke Griffin?"

 _'_ _Never gonna happen asshole.'_ He had been tense before, but hearing this random guy asking about Clarke made this situation a lot more stressful. Bellamy heard the safety click off.

"Not gonna ask you again. Where's the girl?"

Bellamy knew Clarke could hear what was happening, hoped she would stay hidden.

"What do you want with her?"

Obviously it was the wrong question. The guy's face completely shut down.

"Tell me where she is and you live. Otherwise I put a bullet in you right now."

And as much as he didn't want to die without seeing his sister again, Bellamy would be damned before he let someone hurt Clarke.

"Sorry man can't help you."

 _'_ _Why was he always so…Stupid!'_ Clarke watched from the tree line as Jacobs talked to Bellamy. She wanted to show herself. She _wanted_ to run out and hit him for being so stubborn. But damn it all if that wouldn't make things worse. He knew she was there. She could tell from the way he had gotten up so quickly. Why he always wanted to protect her she would never understand. ' _And he doesn't even_ remember _me!'_ That still stung to think about. But she didn't have time to worry about what he didn't remember because Jacobs had a gun trained on the person she had just spent a month thinking was dead. She pulled her own gun out of the holster she had stolen off of a guard in Mount Weather - it was the only thing she took - and used her jacket to muffle the sound of the safety and the bullet loading into the chamber. Then just as Jacobs moved to take the shot, Clarke fired. _'Clean shot, through the shoulder, minimal nerve damage, low risk of infection.'_ She wasn't necessarily proud of her marksmanship, but it had helped keep her and her friends alive so she wasn't going to complain. The gun fell out of Jacobs' hand and Bellamy was already moving to grab it.

"What were you thinking? Do you really think after thinking you were dead for a month and a half I needed to watch you die?"

Bellamy turned towards Clarke, engaging the safety and tucking the gun into the waistband of his cargo pants. The look on his face would have been comical if she hadn't just watched him almost get shot.

"Calm down, Princess. I wasn't gonna just tell some random guy where you were."

He had already brushed past her, but he saw her freeze mid-step. He glanced back at her. For a second he thought there was another Arker or a grounder. But she was staring at him, wide eyed, pale faced, and trembling. He was beside her in a second.

"Clarke? Hey, talk to me, what's wrong?"

But if she was going to say anything it was interrupted by Jacobs.

"You shot me. I can't believe you shot me."

They both turned as one to face the guy on the ground. Clarke was already switching to what Bellamy called Doctor Mode. He had seen it once or twice; if his hand slipped while skinning his latest catch, or that one time he tripped over an old grounder trap. It meant her emotions were on lockdown and trying to open her up would be next to impossible until she felt the crisis was averted. But damn it all if he didn't hate that crease in between her eyebrows.

 _'_ _Princess. He called me Princess.'_ Her mind had basically shut down when she heard it. It wasn't an Ark thing. No one had called her that before. And he hadn't even known her on the ark. No, Princess was all them, all Earth and grounders and fighting for power while trying to keep a bunch of teenagers alive. And even if he didn't remember, that one word gave her hope that he would. Her thoughts were interrupted by Jacobs, but even as she patched him up, she felt her eyes flicking to Bellamy, felt her skin tingle as he watched her work. She felt her lips tip up into a smile, _'Princess.'_

* * *

Jacobs' appearance brought a swift end to the peace they had been existing in. After Clarke fixed his shoulder they both realized they had to go back to the Ark. To say Bellamy was less than thrilled was an understatement, but he packed the few books he'd found and as many rations as he could into a bag and followed behind Clarke, Jacobs marching slowly between them. There was minimal conversation. There was the nightly discussion of setting up camp, deciding on when to break for food, practical matters. But talking about what to expect when he got to camp? How his sister was? The subject of Clarke being ready to face her demons? That was all left in silence. So on the tenth day of walking, when the gates surrounding 'Camp Jaha' came into view, Bellamy couldn't have been less prepared.

It was overwhelming; having everyone rush to see them, dealing with everyone's shock at seeing Bellamy walk through the gates. Clarke tried to shield him from it as best she could, but the hundred were his friends whether he remembered them or not. And they had been mourning him in their own way. She knew what that felt like. So as much as she tried to protect him, she couldn't force herself to send any of them away. It took a few minutes for word to reach Octavia, but the minute she saw him, Clarke knew that she was never letting her brother out of her sight again. Clarke also knew that she wanted to see him smile that way all the time…

Octavia was understandably upset when he told her about his amnesia. But he was not prepared for the complete fury that she directed at Clarke for keeping his location a secret. It was jarring to see his sweet little sister, the girl who asked for piggyback rides and stories about the jungle, so full of rage. Other than Clarke, she was his only point of reference in this new life he found himself living. He wanted to agree with his sister, the familiarity of it was almost soothing, but he knew that it was as much his fault as Clarke's. More even, since she had been willing to take him back. But when he tried to explain it, Clarke put her hand on his arm, shook her head, and made her way into what was left of the Ark.


	13. Chapter 13

_Clarke_

It was a mistake. She knows that almost immediately. They should have stayed away. They should have given themselves more time. He wasn't ready. She could see it; how lost he was, how unbalanced he felt. She saw his guilt. He couldn't connect with the others, sometimes not even his sister. But he tried. She watched him drowning in his need to help them. And every night he slipped out of his room and came to hers. Because he had never been alone before, and he was used to the way she didn't sleep. And they could breathe again, together. Her mom didn't like it. Octavia resented it. The others didn't understand. Because 'if he doesn't remember us why is he still so close to you?' But she understood. Because for two weeks they learned to breathe together, kept the demons at bay for each other, found strength in the vulnerability they allowed themselves to share. Because, whether he remembered her or not, he knew her. And it was so nice to have someone know you.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

They should have waited. He knows that the first day back. He wasn't expecting so many people to look to him the way they did. It was a lot to adjust to, and he doesn't know if he _has_ adjusted. But more than just him, it's too much for Clarke. Being back, seeing the people who relied on her for so much. He doesn't know details but he can see that whatever she had to do to get her, _their_ , friends back had taken a toll. Octavia didn't understand why he went to Clarke's room every night. He knew Abby wished he hadn't come back. The others seemed confused as to how he could want to be around her at all, especially when she closed the drop ship door in the first place. But he understood. Because in the time he's been with her that yearning he felt has eased, because he tells stories and she sings, because when one of them goes to the edge, the other guides them back. Because, no matter what she did, she knows him. And, God, it feels good to have someone who knows you.

* * *

 _Octavia_

She lost her brother. Not to death or amnesia or leadership. She lost him to Clarke. And she hates it. Because why does Clarke have Bellamy's trust? Why is Clarke the one he goes to when he is overwhelmed? When did he start needing Clarke more than he needed her? Oh, he still stays in the room next to hers, but he doesn't sleep there. And he spends most of his time with her, but he doesn't tell her things. And because she doesn't want to push, she doesn't ask. But when he gets quiet and only Clark can bring him back, she can't help the anger that she feels. Because he is her brother. She knows him better than anyone. So why isn't she the one who can help him? Lincoln says be patient. Raven says he just needs to adjust. But she sees it, in his eyes. He loves her. Even though he doesn't remember her, he loves her. And Octavia hates her for it.

* * *

 _Abby_

She has lost her little girl. Not to Grounders or Mountain Men or the past. She lost her to that boy. And she hates him for it. Because Clarke should come to her mother first - not him. Clarke is safer with her mother – not _him_. So why does Clarke need him more than she needs her own mother? She still helps in med-bay, but they don't talk. She still sleeps in the room across from hers, but every morning she hears him leave. And because they have such a painful past, she doesn't want to pressure her. But every night when she bursts into Clarke's room after the screaming starts, its Bellamy her daughter clings to as he whispers into her hair. But this is her baby. So why isn't she allowed to fix this. Marcus tells her that Clarke just needs space. Thelonius says she has to find her own way. But she sees it, in Clarke's eyes. She loves him. Even though she can't admit it to herself, she loves him. And Abby hates him for it.


	14. Chapter 14

_Clarke_

Three months. That's how long it had been since Mount Weather. Since she pulled that lever and an entire civilization ended. Three months of grief and anger and fear staring at her from eyes that used to only hold kindness and trust. They had started to take over her dreams, those eyes. Mixed in with the dead eyes and burned faces of the Mountain Men. Finn stands next to Maya, both unseeing. Harper is next to Fox, both with fear in their eyes but only one set had color in them. Monty sits on a bed with Sarah, the grief around them heavy though Sarah's skin is blistered to be almost unrecognizable. Jasper, Raven, Octavia, Cage, Michaels, Jones, all together at a table with rage burning behind their eyes. Jasper, Raven, and Octavia turn away in disgust. Cage, Michaels, and Jones stare through her grey eyed, two with melted flesh one with blood oozing from the slit in his throat. Three months of not enough sleep and too much responsibility.

Which is why she was with Niylah; hoping that a kind face and a gentle touch would keep the monsters away. Which is how she ended up being dragged behind some grounder, blindfolded and gagged, the top of the Ark getting farther and farther away. Which is why she wishes for the first time in a long time, that she had let Bellamy come with her on her hunting trip. Because somehow she knows that if he had been there she would be safe right now.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

Two months. That's how long he's been back with his people. Since he found his sister and started drowning. Two months of pretending that he isn't as broken as he is. Seeing so much trust and kindness and respect staring at him from eyes he doesn't even remember. Oh he's made new memories, has new stories to laugh about now. But his dreams are starting to feel like memories. A boy with bloodshot eyes saying 'the king is about to die.' A girl with brown hair and pretty eyes pinned to a tree, spear through the chest. A little girl, blonde hair and sad eyes falling into nothingness as she screams 'don't let them hurt me.' Two months of too many feelings and not enough sleep.

Which is why he was with Gina; hoping that a new face and a soothing hand would keep him in the present. Which is how he ended up in a rover, tense and gun at the ready, closer and closer to Ice Nation territory than he wanted to be. Which is why for the first time in a long time he's glad Clarke isn't here. Because somehow he knows that this is the least safe place she could be right now.


	15. Chapter 15

_Clarke_

Seeing him in that tunnel felt like salvation and heartbreak at the same time. How was he here? Why was he here? Then it didn't matter how or why, because he was in front of her on the ground with a knife to his throat. And all she could think was _'I need him alive. I need him safe.'_ Then Kane was there and Monty. And in the midst of everything that followed somehow Bellamy was hurt, Monty and Kane were unconscious and she as still trudging through the woods with the Grounder.

And no matter how shocked she had been to see Bellamy, it was nothing compared to when the blindfold came off and she was face to face with Lexa. Because if getting Bellamy back from the dead was her heart's desire, seeing Lexa again was a stab wound that never healed.

* * *

 _Bellamy_

Finding her in that tunnel felt like catching your breath just to lose it again. Who took her? What did they want? Then it didn't matter because he had a knife in his leg and she was disappearing again. And all he could think was _'I have to get her back. I have to keep her safe.'_ But Pike was in front of him with Hannah. And Kane was unconscious and Monty was just coming to and Pike was pushing him into the rover.

And no matter how much of a shock it was to lose her, it was nothing compared to the flood of memories that hit him when they pulled the knife out. Because if having Clarke in his life was everything good, then getting his memories back was a shot to the gut that nothing could fix.


End file.
